The ghost of impostor syndrome
The frequent next door neighbor to my ambitions
I’ve been taking some risks recently: I started streaming my tarot reading skills on my Twitch channel and what I’ve struggled to do for years I managed to do within a day: I’m only a follower and a few streaming days away from becoming an Affiliate. I also went ballroom dancing - not a class, socially! - with no one I knew personally and I had a blast! (It also helps that it was a costume ball) Last week, I started a playthrough of a game that first exposed me to let’s plays - Fatal Frame (Europeans know it as Project Zero). The first part was… not the greatest. I discovered the hard way that it’s one thing to watch the game and another thing to actually play it - the risks that come with immersion. However as I kept going, the fear became a companion rather than the driver. My most recent stream was having technical issues when it came to speed and I had to end the episode early due to that. But that was demonstrating to me that with continued practice, eventually the obstacle became a mere hurtle. The game’s still scary but much like an amusement ride, I can ride it out.
Consider this piece another one of those risks I’m taking. It’s time that I opened up the curtains a bit and talked about what’s been going on behind the scenes.
I’ve had three articles in the works for this page. I’ve had every intention of finishing them and putting them up here. But for the past month, I’ve been struggling with an ancient ghost - one that haunts even the most talented and accomplished. Despite all of the citations, affirmations, and pomodoro sessions, there’s been this one thing that’s been sitting next to me for the past decade, possibly longer…
The ghost of impostor syndrome.
The three articles I want to share with you are ones I’ve thought about and talked about for a long time now. I even have oodles of research to show that I’m not talking entirely out of my imagination. But there’s that grip on my chest when I’m about to write a word that asks “who do you think you are to write this? You’re not an expert. You’ll be shunned or laughed out of the room if you say that.” Yes. It can be as harsh as a bully. But sometimes it can be a well-meaning parent trying to protect me from a past hurt or a present danger. “Remember seeing this creator get cancelled for this idea? We don’t want that happening to you. So let’s delete that sentence.” That sentence my fear wants me to delete would often be the one that ties everything together and makes my ideas make sense.
My parents would sometimes call these fears “irrational thoughts”. Maybe they are to some degree. But what they sometimes miss with those statements is in the past, maybe they would’ve been irrational. They would’ve been unthinkable. But now? In this time period where everything seems to be on fire, anything can happen especially with the internet and AI. How do you fight something that has some thread of truth?
I’ve dealt with self-doubt, self-criticism, and imposter syndrome for a long time now. Even after graduating with a degree from Harvard; even after getting through a two month immersion program with 3 years since speaking and learning Japanese formally; Even after publishing a journal article for the first time ever, it still gets to me. Impostor syndrome has been a constant companion. So what made this time different? How have I dealt with it enough that I finally made something happen? How do I accept that this may be a constant companion?
I don’t consider myself an expert on the subject but I’ve done a lot of dialogue with my fear over the past month. Much like my last post about how I took a leap of faith with attending the first No Kings Protest (I had to go virtual on the second one) and now in the thick of preparing for a new adventure, I started to see my fear in a different lens and embrace it with a bit more grace. These are thoughts and actions that I’ve adopted: some of them I’ve done for a while, a good chunk of them I’ve recently used. It’s only now that I finally can articulate an experience that can often feel nebulous, overwhelming, and ineffable.
The first thing I have to tell you is be prepared for lots of remedial courses from life: you may have missed an element of the lesson you didn’t catch the first or second time around. It’s not because you’re not a good student - you are. The thing is there are two constants in this world - love and change. The latter is important to remember because you are not gonna be the same person when you come across the lesson again. There may be frustration because you’re trying to learn it again. But the plus is you’re coming at this with more wisdom and knowledge of where you started. Future moments would feel more like encounters instead of a drawn out syllabus. That is where love is going to come into play.
The second thing you have to do is take the time to get to know your fear’s voice. This is something that you can do in a controlled environment or with something you’ve always wanted to try. You may find a common theme with these voices: an old teacher who didn’t get your style, a childhood bully who hit where it hurt, a random comment on your page. You may also find another tone altogether - the scared little you. The parent/mentor who’s overly cautious. The friend who’s trying to look out for you. Figure out which voices you can take the time to put to rest and which voices are allies that need some rescuing. Do a eulogy for the former voices that missed their chance at a mutual understanding. It doesn’t have to be in the form of forgiveness. It’s for what it takes to give you some peace of mind. For the latter voices, thank them for the effort they’re doing to protect you from repeated hurt. Let them know that there is a better time for them to emerge and express where you need your support at this time. You don’t have to do this at the heat of the moment but if you want to, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you can get through to the other side.
The third thing I recommend is take on your impostor syndrome with whatever area it’s challenging by pulling up some evidence that you do deserve those good things in your life, maybe even do a flip on the concern you’re having. For example, if you’re feeling unskilled, focus on a skill you do have that’s a huge comfort to you. If you’re feeling insecure about lack of knowledge in an area, allow yourself to study that area. You don’t have to be an expert: even the basics can help. If you’re not feeling good about your sense of self, pull up some compliments, good reviews, or recall some good memories. The fact that you can still feel good about those things means that feeling can never be taken away from you.
Ageism has been one thing that I’ve been dealing with increasingly for the past couple of months. There’s been a really bad case of comparisonitis going on with several of my age peers getting the success that I’ve been craving for a long time. It also didn’t help that one of my dreams - foreign language fluency - felt more distant than ever because my age was used as a reason against supporting it. The impostor syndrome can get pretty smart because even with the knowledge of highlight reels and years of behind the scenes work, it points out the inconsistent nature of my work and my tendency to keep things under wraps until they’re “just right”, which is my code for never seeing the light of day. My impostor syndrome would say that they at least had a straight-forward path because they were more consistent than me who looked like I was bouncing back and forth between interests and skills. It took taking one big risk last weekend to recognize that in order to get the shot, I have to give some too. That was the biggest difference between the people I’ve been comparing myself to and me (among several things - I also acknowledge privilege, workload, luck and other factors have played into what has happened to each of us). At least showing up and doing the things I want to do are realms within my control and that’s starting to be enough for me.
I’m in my early 30s: most would consider that young in the grand scheme of things even if it’s not as young as our teens or 20s. It’s still young enough to do the things and make the big choices I want. If anything, seeing more of my peers getting success in their 30s and even the older peers getting their success in their 40s, 50s, and beyond is giving me a road and reassurance that if they can do it, so can I. I can also make it easier for others who feel the same way; I’m hoping this article does precisely that for you! (Funnily enough, my ageism struggle covers one of the three articles I hope to release this month so consider this part one of how to carve your own success definition. If this had a series title, I’d probably call it Success Beyond Society.)
The final thing I hope to leave you with is make the environment the way you wished you had it when you were starting out/what you would like it to be. It may seem so massive but you can start off where you are right now with the first bits of advice. Take on different perspectives when you can. Learn what helpful criticism is like and how to deliver it. Accept that some things can’t be excused away with “grow a thick skin”. If there’s an intolerable or unacceptable situation, call it out when you see it. Any of the obvious -isms that we don’t tolerate legally, do what you have to do. Send a like, maybe say a kind word or two to a post or video that really resonated with you (bonus points if you can do it IRL!) - those few words can mean the world to somebody who feels very tiny.
Even with all this wisdom I have to share, I’m still figuring all this out too. But with the power of interconnectedness, we’ll be able to navigate this wide world together. In the beautiful words of Coldplay from one of my favorite songs Fix You, “if you never try, you never know just what you’re worth.”
For those who want to join in on my streams, I stream games on my Twitch and YouTube channels every Wednesday & Friday, and I do my tarot streams on Saturday (those are Twitch exclusive). I sometimes add another day if I feel up for it. Thank you to all of my recent subscribers for the support.
Thank you as well to my Substack community - the Phoenix Lotus Galaxy Kingdom - for your support as well. <3 Stay strong and as always, may your heart be your guiding key.